October 15 marked Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day. Whether you’ve had a pregnancy loss, infant loss or loss of a potential life (with the onset of your period month after month), I honour your struggle.
Your friends, family, and partner may say, “be positive” but I say, be authentic. You cannot force positivity. Mourning and vulnerability may feel uncomfortable but are natural and necessary as part of your healing journey.
When I was in the depths of my darkness with countless failed IVF’s and two pregnancy losses, I would reminded of this mantra and say to myself, “I am comfortable with being uncomfortable.” I would give myself permission to feel whatever was there for me because I knew that what we resist, persists. I would let my feelings come and go like the tide without judgment. And as quickly as they came, they would also recede and I would feel a little better. So I invite you to embrace your thoughts and feelings and let them go with love and kindness.
As humans we are wired with a great capacity to heal ourselves. Feeling our feelings even when it hurts helps us heal our hearts. And it’s in the heart’s ability to communicate with the kidney energy, our source energy of the womb, that endows us with life.
Having said that, I want to give you practical tips that you can do every day to help you find joy in the moment while making your day a little lighter and more hopeful. These actions require daily consistency to create change that can be transformational. It’s similar to building strong muscles. In order to build strong muscles, we need to lift weights repeatedly and consistently over a period of time.
To start, ask yourself, “How alive do I feel today?” Rate yourself from 1- 10, where 10 is you are on top of this world and 1 is you want to just hide beneath the covers and never get out of bed. How can you get yourself one notch higher?
I invite you to do the following five things every morning:
- write down or express 3 things you are grateful for
- take 5 deep breaths in and out and on the exhale say, “ha” with a sigh out loud
- what one thing can you be excited for (even if it’s taking a shower, getting clean or the ability to get out of bed or going for your walks with your partner)
- think about one thing that can thwart you (eg. anticipate someone such as your partner saying something upsetting); then think about a strategy or words you can say to yourself to prevent upset
- do something nice for someone (eg. text a friend to say you are thinking of them, thank them or send them a joke)
This all sounds trivial but it will be a way to focus on yourself and on your life rather than on what is missing that you yearn for so desperately. Find ways in your life to feel alive again because LIFE CREATES LIFE.
I know it will not stop the want. I know because I have been there but these things can make your world a little more bearable.
I hope that you will take this to heart and practice it daily. This is what has worked for me as I continue to do this every day. Please check out my book, Pathways To Pregnancy for more real practical advice for your journey.